When I first came back from the United States, I was often asked, “You have to do everything yourself there, don’t you?”. I would answer, “Yes, cooking, washing dishes, laundry…” Sometimes, for no apparent reason, I would add, “Toilet too.” I couldn’t resist the look of worry and fear that flashed across their well-intentioned faces, partly Reflecting concerns about my identity as a Brahmin and as a man, but primarily concerns about my future as an academic.
It was an era when Indian boys of a certain class and background were raised to maintain an Arjuna-like focus on the goal of academic excellence. This is consistent with an overall lifestyle that revolves around protecting academically inclined boys from the demands of normal life. In middle-class households at the time, much of the cutting, cooking, and cleaning was the responsibility of the cook or maid. The food was served to us; when we were done eating we got up to leave and somehow the table was cleared and plates were prepared. A maid crawled under the furniture and swept under our feet to clean the house. Clothes came back folded and ironed and the toilet was manned by a quiet man who never looked us in the eye. We, middle-class boys and girls, do very little.
Still, there are clear differences. The boy who wanted to be first was spared the occasional errand (quick dash to the store or bank) that others had to do. When guests come, he can stay in his room while others smile and answer annoyingly predictable questions about school or college (“IIT exams are in a month”).
For girls, even academically accomplished girls, there is more. When entertaining important guests, she may go to the kitchen to help and serve freshly fried and fragrant samosas to the guests. When the chef is away, she helps cut vegetables and even cooks something herself. On top of that, she (usually not her brother) is automatically given the responsibility of caring for any younger siblings or visiting cousins.
Does this make any difference? According to the OECD report, India actually spends the least amount of time on housework among 29 countries: 19 minutes a day. Indian women spent 283 minutes in the same survey, the highest of any country. While gender bias exists around the world – women work an average of 173 minutes compared to men’s 71 – we are the undisputed champions.
This Indian data comes from the 1990s. However, the 2019 National Sample Survey also raised similar questions. The answers weren’t particularly inspiring: 8% of men said they were involved in the cooking (note, this includes those who just came to stir up the monthly “baba mutton curry” after all the chores were magically done); 3% washed or mending clothes; 6% cleaning the house.
No matter what we men think, it’s not because women are home anyway and therefore have time. The women in the survey spent nearly 40 minutes less per day on leisure (including sleeping, socializing – which I think includes watching TV, eating and personal hygiene) than men. They cook, clean, take care of the children, and if they’re lucky, work an outside job.
Is this because of the way we raise our children? The same survey also showed that among children aged 6-14, boys undertake less housework than girls and have more time for leisure and study.
Many economists would be inclined to argue against this. They will say, “Causation is backwards” and “the real problem is that Indian society wants women to stay at home” (we agree, we wrote a column on this issue a year ago). Given this, her parents would “rationally” invest more in her housework skills than in her homework. Then, considering that she has been doing housework since she was a child, “efficiency” requires that she should do more housework. The logic proposed seems simple: since she is trained to do housework, it will be relatively painless for her. If she still really hates some of these tasks, she can bargain with her husband to do less of them and more of whatever he wants her to do (for the sake of propriety, I won’t speculate on what those might be). If that doesn’t work, there’s always divorce.
In my opinion, this very standard “effective bargaining” view of marriage is misguided in many ways. First, divorce is almost always painful, especially when children are involved. Additionally, there’s stigma for women and potentially unwanted attention from men who think they’re fair game. On top of that, there were financial considerations – she stopped working when they got married, and after a ten-year hiatus, who would employ her now? There should be alimony, but is it enough? What if he stops paying? Can she pursue him in court and make him pay? For all these reasons and many others, divorce remains a nuclear option in India—used in extreme circumstances. Mostly, the women just resigned themselves to following his lead in cleaning, no matter how big or small, just like his mother used to do (which didn’t help if she happened to be around), always ready to join in the “my son never have to…”)
However, demonizing men in some ways misses the point. For most men, divorce is actually quite painful (precisely because they lack survival skills), and even living in conflict should be avoided. They thought about the children and how much they would miss her normal mugachi, even the slightly off-key songs she sang while cooking. They wanted to reassure her that they would change – that clothes would no longer be scattered on the bathroom floor, that her nights out wouldn’t always be domino night, that they wouldn’t forget to set their alarms in the morning when it was their turn to make lunch for the kids hour. The problem was that she wouldn’t believe them, and they knew why. Maybe it will work for a day or two, but then bad habits from childhood will take over.
Economists might insist that this is why it’s important to have the right contract, which details every obligation and the penalties for not meeting them. Perhaps this is why many economists end up marrying in industry. Indians tend to have a more practical attitude towards marriage than Westerners, but even in India it is psychologically impractical to detail every unpleasant possibility when garlands are about to be exchanged. Part of this may be because starting with the most positive mindset gives your marriage the best chance.
But the deeper problem is that many of the most important things cannot be contracted. Perhaps there can be rules about who cleans on days when the sweeper is away, but not about the grim looks that ensue. Most importantly, who is responsible for the unexpected? The gas is running out; someone needs to pick up the kids before the storm hits; the father-in-law needs to see the doctor and the doctor isn’t answering the phone; the neighbor’s cat is eyeing the fish. Someone needs to keep an eye on all of this at the same time. This is when her training years ago to care for her siblings came into play. . She knew she could handle it, but she didn’t believe he would. He has been blocked for too long. Even if she gives him the task, she won’t relax until she’s sure every step is completed, so she might as well do it herself.
That’s why, even if we one day overcome the national obsession with keeping women “safe” (at home), it’s not clear that many married women will want to work outside the home because they can expect to receive so little help at home. The extra income might allow them to hire more help, but perhaps the hardest part is figuring out their fate because of all the things that can go wrong. Until we start teaching our men to grow.
It’s been exactly a year since my mom passed away. She had a lot of poignant things to say about the life skills of the adult men around us, and we, my brother and I, were heavily influenced by them.
recipe:
I love sprouted mung beans in all their forms, but making them does require a certain amount of attention.
To make mung bean sprouts, place 2 cups of mung bean sprouts in a large bowl of water and soak at room temperature overnight. Drain in the morning, rinse well (but do not dry), then wrap in a damp cloth and store in a warm place. Note, if the cloth dries out, moisten it again until the bean sprouts come out.
To make Mung Dal Usal, grind together 1/3 cup coconut meat, 3 green chillies (or as needed), ½ cup coriander leaves and stems, ½ 1-inch piece of ginger and 5 small cloves. Heat 2 tablespoons of light oil in a pan and add a tablespoon of cumin seeds, 2 dry red chillies, a pinch of hin leaves and a sprig of curry leaves. After a minute, add the coconut mixture, mix well with the oil (30 seconds), then add 2 cups of sprouted mung beans. Mix well (30 seconds) then add 2 cups water, salt to taste, reduce heat to medium-low and cover. After 5 minutes, check if the dal is cooked by adding 1 teaspoon jaggery or sugar and stir. Remove from heat (if dal is too hard, reheat for a few more minutes).
To make sprouted mung bean salad, combine 2 cups dal sprouts, 2 cups peeled pomelo slices, 1-2 thinly sliced green chilies, ½ cup coriander leaves and 1.5 teaspoons Chaat masala. Adjust salt to your taste.
This is part of a monthly column by Nobel laureate Abhijit Banerjee, illustrated by Cheyenne Olivier.
Illustration credit: Cheyenne Olivier
Disclaimer
The above views represent only the author’s personal views.
End of article
